― Groucho Marx
Nostalgia is an odd thing, we all long to return to the past, the films, music, people and places we loved in our youth.
It's great to think of these things fondly and reminisce with others about them, however you can't go back, you can't do it all again and get the same feelings back, you can never go home.
Someone really should have told the jerks who just remade Knightmare!
Knightmare, if you didn't watch it when you were a kid (which, if you didn't is a form of child abuse, you should report this to the Daily Mail at once so your parental units can be strung up in the town square) is a kids TV show from the late 80's.
The show premise is a dungeon master called Treguard must defeat an evil overlord who is plotting to take over the realm. To do this Treguard takes the logical step of summoning a group of posh school kids, 3 of which will sit next to a magic viewing port (a 14" colour telly with a rug over it) and guide the 4th member of their team while he stumbles around a blue room full of Z list actors and bumps into the furniture.
The blue screen was there, so early CGI could be super imposed over it and give the illusion of the dark creepy dungeons and crypts the dungeoneer (the blind 4th members of the party I mentioned earlier) was supposedly exploring.
The team would work together to avoid pit traps, giant spiders and all kinds of fantasy creatures to gain clues in the form of objects such as food to replenish health, scrolls that contain spells and other items like keys and the like.
Spells are cast in a kind of mini game where the pre pubescent pricks have to spell (clever) the words of the spell in order for it to work- this was kids TV at it's zenith!
As the show was 30 mins long and there were only a certain number of episodes per season the chances of anyone actually getting to the end was almost nonexistent especially since the teams would get killed every other show, " go right...no your right...there's a pit! run.. no walk no go....oh shit you're dead!
We now jump forward to present day and the abomination that is "Knighmare returns".
The first thing to note is that they have ditched the school kids and have gone for the mass market appeal of the emo teen.
Look at them!!! With their hair and their clothes. good god in heaven he's wearing a retro gaming T-shirt!! You're in a remake of an 80's kids game show, did your really think that was needed??
These cocky style monkeys actually think they are funny. They have lines prepared for the situation, I can only imagine that these were force fed to them before the cameras started rolling by the guys who used to write for the contestants on blind date.
The format seems to remain the same with no added extras and no improvements made. I know that this is a remake but there have been so many advances in CGI and virtual reality, surly some of these could have been implemented with great effect.
The CGI itself has had the res upped a bit for the HD era but remains flat and cartoony. Once again I know this is a shameless nostalgia fest but still, it could have looked so much better.
All in all this is knightmare with all the 80's charm and fun sucked out of it. What's next? Funhouse with an ageing Pat Sharpe shouting at my chemical romance lookalikes as they get hit in the face by foam pillars and dropped into gunge tanks........hang on...I'm just off to call ITV.....imagine what Melanie and Martina look like now!!!!
2 comments:
Where did you get that picture Of Emma Blackery, Danisnotonfire Amazingphil and Ashens?
It's taken from the video of a remake they did of Knightmare.
It's also on youtube I think
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